


paper planes

by hero (grief)



Series: coloring book [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Coming of Age, Friendship, Gen, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 07:51:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15529590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grief/pseuds/hero
Summary: Memories, whether trivial or important, make who you are.Or: Vernon gets a journal when he’s 16.





	paper planes

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to try a journal/diary type fic since i've been reading a lot of autobiographical books lately (aka i've been reading kafka's letters & his diary)
> 
> there is a one sided mingsol in the beginning (poor hansol) and a lot of friendship!!!! friends are good! also decided to add mark into the mix because that's my son
> 
> basic setting: in USA, so there's the concept of standardized testing before college (AKA SAT and ACT). School is usually from August through May and college apps start the summer before senior year.

_ December 4, 2013 _

 

_ Dad gave me a nice notebook. It says “DIARY OF A PRINCESS” in front, so I know he was going to give it Sofia. I ended up using a sharpie to cross out everything except for the first word. Sofia got a Barbie playhouse instead, though. I wanted a ukelele. Mark said he was going to teach me how to play that one Jason Mraz song at school if I bought one. _

 

_ I’ll ask again for my birthday. _

  
  


_ February 18, 2014 _

 

_ I got a new laptop. I downloaded League of Legends cause Mingyu and Seokmin keep saying it’s really good. Seokmin secretly told me Mingyu is grounded from the computer cause he spent the whole night playing instead of studying for his test, so we have to wait another two weeks before actually starting.  _

 

_ There’s a character called Jinx, and I think she’s hot. Last time I saw my friends play they were just clicking on everything they saw. Looks pretty simple, I think I’ll be able to level up in no time. _

 

_ We also went out tonight for my birthday. Since Seokmin and I have the same birthday we decided to just host a joint hangout and brought all our friends to BJ’s. Seokmin’s friends are way older than me; I met some guy called Jeonghan and Soonyoung. Soonyoung laughed too hard that soda went up his nose, and we had to take him to the bathroom so he can cough it out without scaring the other customers.  _

 

_ He’s really cool, though. He let me borrow his iPod, so I started listening Justin Timberlake. Holy Grail has been stuck in my head this whole day, and Jeonghan kept playing it in the car when he was driving us home.  _

 

_ I only met Jeonghan today, and I found out he’s graduating in June with the other seniors. It kinda makes me sad, will I be able to see him again after this? _

  
  


Hansol cries after graduation. Seeing Jeonghan and Joshua wave goodbye to them as they hitch a ride in some other senior’s car left a terrible ache in his chest. Sitting on the curb outside his high school’s football field, he wipes his tears away just in time before Mark and Seungkwan make it to him.

 

“You think Jeonghan is gonna come over tonight?” Mark asks. Apparently, everyone in his friend group promised to go over to his place to play Smash Brothers. 

 

“My ass he’s coming, he’s probably fucking tonight.” Seungkwan snorts, and Mark clicks his tongue. 

 

“He’s chickening out cause he knows I’m gonna wreck him. Not- not in that way- like I beat him- shut up!” Mark hits Seungkwan square in the shoulder when he tries to stifle a snicker.

 

“Whatever. Hurry up, my mom’s here. You coming, Hansol?”

 

Hansol nods, picking himself up from the ground. 

 

Jeonghan texts him in July to say they should hang out soon, but they never do. In the end, Jeonghan becomes just another figure that he can only remember few details of, like how he has brown hair and a big smile. It’s locked away in his mind, stored in the back with the rest of his memories, and Hansol moves on.

  
  


_ August 20, 2014 _

 

_ It’s way too hot to be in school. We stood outside in the field listening to the principal talk about how we have the worst attendance in our school district, and that we basically needed to get our shit together. Seungkwan pretended to pass out so he could be sent to the nurse’s office and take a nap on the cot.  _

 

_ I met a new kid in comp sci, though. His name is Minghao, and he just transferred from some international school in China. He said school starts later there, that’s why he isn’t in the same grade as Seokmin or Mingyu. _

 

_ Minghao hung out with us at lunch, and I got his number so we could help each other out on homework.  _

 

_ He’s actually chill and makes me laugh, not like the Seokmin way where it’s him tripping or something, but Minghao feels like a comedian. He says he really isn’t, but I don’t think so. We’re going to the arcade soon with the whole crew, and I’m carpooling with him. He’s never played laser tag, so he wants me to teach him. _

  
  


“Son of a bitch.” Hansol says under his breath when he sees the scoreboard. Minghao crosses his arm across his chest, smirking at them.

 

“Looks like I win again.”

 

“Didn’t you say you never played before?”

 

“I never played laser tag. But I’ve played paintball before. Who knew it would be so similar?” He shrugs, and he flips him off. 

 

“Who’s ‘starlord’? Is that you? I thought you said you were good at it, didn’t expect you to be in the bottom ranking.”

 

“It’s a  _ Guardians of the Galaxy _ reference. You never watched it before?”

 

“No. I’m more of a DC fan.”

 

“It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

 

“You’ve only known me for two weeks!”

 

Hansol frowns, prompting Minghao to pat him on the back.

 

“I’ll let you win next time, how about that?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Minghao raises his hands up in defeat while laughing, and Hansol relaxes. 

 

“I still can’t believe you don’t get the  _ Guardians _ reference, it’s the biggest release of the summer!”

 

“Ok, ok. I’ll read the comics if you have any if you read the  _ Batman _ ones I have, deal?”

 

“Deal.”

 

They make a secret handshake, because it’s what everyone does these days, Hansol says, and Minghao rolls his eyes, claiming it to be trivial. Hansol knows it is, but doesn’t say it out loud. After all, Minghao keeps his promise, later texting him asking for more copies of the series, and Hansol stays up searching all the different Robins that appear.

  
  


_ October 10, 2014 _

 

_ Mark and Yoojung broke up last night. Apparently Yoojung flat out said she didn’t like him anymore, and Mark stared at the mirror the rest of this morning.  _

 

_ Seungkwan and I kept saying “no, you are good looking” and “no, you treated her well”, but he wouldn’t listen. Something about her being his first and last love. Granted they only started dating in July, and Mark never knew who she was until May. _

 

_ My romance knowledge is a flat zero, so I don’t have a say in it. But I think it was just an infatuation. Mark will find someone else. _

 

_ Hopefully we all do, except Seungkwan. I feel like he’d make his girlfriend cry in a second. _

 

_ November 27, 2014 _

 

_ I think I like Minghao. As a friend? Yes. More than that? Maybe.  _

 

_ I told Seungkwan there was a possibility I liked men, and he asked if I was bisexual. Actually, not ask. He sent me 8 different website links about the topic, and some forum for people literally asking, “am I bi?”. _

 

_ I didn’t learn any of this in health or sex-ed. Somehow I wish I could go somewhere where I could get professionally diagnosed instead of being this confused. Minghao makes me laugh and I like being around him. I had the thought of dating him after we went to the beach with Mingyu and Seokmin. He was talking about how he thought Tiffany from Calc AB was cute, and I wanted to tell him he was cute, too. It’s been on my mind since. _

 

_ I was on the phone with Seungkwan for three hours after that, and he ended it with thanking me for telling him, and that it made him feel like I really trusted him. _

 

_ I never had a thought of him not being my best friend, I wanted to say, that’s why I told him first. _

  
  


Minghao is sitting at the lunch table looking starry eyed and a big grin on his face. It takes Seungkwan slamming his tray down for him to snap out of it.

 

“You’re more chipper than ever.” Seungkwan says, and Minghao shakes his head. Hansol pretends that he can’t guess what he’s thinking about, and opens a bottle of Gatorade to gulp down.

 

“I asked Tiffany to winter formal, and she said yes.” Minghao explains. Seungkwan gives a quick glance to Hansol, but he ignores it.

 

“Wow, you finally worked up the courage?” Hansol snorts, and Minghao sheepishly scratches the back of his neck.

 

“We’ve sort of been talking about the idea of us going together since the beginning of November, so it’s not that much of a surprise… wait I need to buy a new suit, don’t I?”

 

“Yeah, and a wedding ring.” Seungkwan interjects.

 

“I’m not Mark, Seungkwan. I like her. If things go smoothly, maybe I can ask her out.”

 

He’s distracted by his phone, seeing a text pop up on the lock screen, and he gets up.

 

“Tiffany’s near the gym so I’m gonna go talk to her about what we should do before the dance.”

 

“Whipped.” Seungkwan whispers, and Minghao flips him off. 

 

“I’m not. Oh yeah, Hansol, are we still going to the library after school?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll wait for you by the office.”

 

“Cool! See you guys in chem.”

 

He leaves, and Hansol finishes the rest of the drink in his hand.

 

“Your tiny bladder is not going to handle all that in sixth period.” Seungkwan frowns.

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

He’s quiet, and Seungkwan just looks at him. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m ok, don’t worry dude.” Hansol smiles, and he throws the empty bottle into the trash.

 

He’ll be fine. Just like always.

  
  


_ December 26, 2014 _

 

_ Minghao brought Tiffany over to hang out with us for Christmas. I didn’t pinpoint Tiffany to be that good at Smash Brothers, but she handed our ass over to us 8 separate times.  _

 

_ We rummaged through Mingyu’s mom’s wine fridge, and we all poured a glass for each other. It tasted bitter and I’d honestly rather choke than drink it again. Seungkwan’s face turned so red we called him Anpangman the whole night. Needless to say, Seungkwan had Mingyu in a chokehold after he called him it again.  _

 

_ Minghao actually finished his glass of wine, saying it was really refreshing, and Seungkwan said he had the taste of a 40 year old man who was divorced twice. Tiffany finished hers too and said the exact same thing that Minghao did. They honestly looked like an old married couple.  _

 

_ By the time we were leaving, we managed to hide the wine bottle in the way back of the fridge and cleaned all the glasses to cover up the evidence, and Seokmin drove me home.  _

 

_ He asked me if I was ok, since I’ve been mellow the whole party, and I said I was.  _

 

_ At least I think I am. Lately, I haven’t been feeling well. There’s a weird tight feeling in my chest, and it doesn’t go away even if I sleep. I lay in bed sometimes, staring at the ceiling thinking bout nothing. I don’t feel particularly sad, not particularly happy. I feel like I’m in limbo. Again, I don’t really know what exactly I’m feeling. _

  
  


“Have you thought of what colleges you’re going to apply to?” Mark asks. 

 

Hansol looks up from his project for computer science, shaking his head. The code is bugged, and the aliens in his program aren’t eating all the balloons. 

 

“Not really, probably just going to stay in state, though. I’m not up for a dramatic change in climate.” 

 

“Same here. My mom has been driving me insane with all the SAT talk, though. She wants me to do ACT instead since it’s apparently easier to get into college like that.”

 

“That sounds like bullshit.”

 

“Exactly! She’s been breathing down my neck this whole time, we’re going on some cross country college road trip in June. Pray for me cause she’s definitely going to plan Harvard first.”

 

“I’ll make sure to pray for you every night.”

 

Mark lays his head on the table and groans, probably thinking about the sheer thought of having to sit in a car with his whole entire family, including his little sister for more than an hour. Hansol decides this is the perfect time to rip pieces of scratch paper and flick them at his forehead. He swats it away, but doesn’t do anything else. 

 

“You guys are graduating next year, and you’re gonna leave me alone. I don’t want to just talk to Chan without you guys, all he talks about is League…” Mark pouts. 

 

“It’s not that deep, Mark. If everything works out we’ll be round an hour away from here, tops. Also, you’ve got a year with us, still. Why are you freaking out about this right now?”

 

“I don’t know, I just suddenly thought about it last night. It’s basically what happened with us and Jeonghan and Joshua, right? Minghao’s off with his girlfriend being all lovey-dovey, Seokmin and Mingyu are graduating soon so they’re probably going to do the same thing, too.” 

 

And for the first time, Hansol doesn’t know what to say. 

  
  


_ February 15, 2015 _

 

_ Empty. I think that’s what they call it. _

  
  


He celebrates his birthday at the nearby amusement park with Seungkwan, Chan, and Mark. Minghao comes down with the flu and is forced to stay home, trying his best to FaceTime them, but the connection is too poor that they give up 30 minutes in. Seokmin and Mingyu declines the offer to hang out all together. Ever since Soonyoung went to college and got his driver's license, he’s been more willing to drive farther, basically beyond the limits Hansol’s parents would agree to. Seokmin and Mingyu stay with the latter, and Hansol assumes they’re going somewhere where they would be able to pass off as 21. Chan’s face barely looks like he graduated middle school, so he understands.

 

Seungkwan sticks his tongue out as he looks at the map, obviously confused.

 

“I think we’re in Spaceland cause I see that alien standee, so if we walk this way we’ll hit the teacups… or maybe the exit.”

 

Chan snatches the map away from him, “We’re clearly not in Spaceland. This is Jungleland, and that’s not an alien. Did you lose your contacts?” 

 

Seungkwan’s face turns bright red, and he flips Chan off before turning away.

 

“Anyway, we’re not here to fight. We’re here to celebrate Hansol and  _ your _ birthday, Chan. Seokmin will remain in our heart as we ride the Viking.” 

 

“I’ll be thinking about him as I eat that giant turkey leg.” Mark suddenly brings up, leaving them behind the moment he eyes the vendor’s cart. Hansol has to grab him by the sleeve, trying to persuade him there’s other turkey leg carts in the other sections of the park, and they make their way towards Cartoon Town.

 

Hansol doesn’t say he get easily nauseous, though all of them know. After dinner, they return back to the park, and the first thing Chan drags them is back into Adventureland. He looks way too excited to ride the Zipper, and Hansol can’t bring himself to break his heart when everyone else refuses to get on. The moment the ride ends, he unbuckles his seatbelt and makes a dash towards the exit. He throws up in the nearby garbage can with Seungkwan patting his back.

 

“You’re so chivalrous even when this day is supposed to be about you.” Seungkwan frowns.

 

“You guys were gonna leave him alone in that cart, I felt bad!” He says between hurling out the dippin’ dots he just ate.

 

“We don’t deserve you.” Seungkwan sighs, “But are you done yet? Fireworks start in 5.”

 

Hansol gets up weakly and nods. Seungkwan brings out a bottle of water for him to drink as they make their way to the center of the plaza.

 

“You know, Mark was talking about how Seokmin and Mingyu will probably forget about us after graduating. Like with Josh and Jeonghan.” Hansol murmurs.

 

“I highly doubt it. Chan and Mingyu’s moms are attached to the hip. Even if Mingyu wanted to avoid us his mom would make him at least spend time with us on holidays.”

 

“Well, it didn’t happen today.”

 

Seungkwan stops in his track, and Hansol turns around to see his facial expression go from indifference to concern.

 

“Hansol, you know we’re still going to be friends after graduating, right? Not just us, but like, Mark, Chan, Mingyu, et cetera. We only knew Jeonghan and Joshua for max four months. They were great guys, but I don’t necessarily have the ‘wow- I’m going to remember this forever’ memories with them. Do you?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“I bet you don’t even remember Jeonghan’s birthday.”

 

“I do! It’s in October… right?”

 

“The hell would I know? The point is, Hansol, is that we shouldn’t focus on what happened in the past. They were a cool part of a portion of our lives, but if you look at it, it was pretty short.

 

“I think we should be thankful they were part of it, and look forward to other memories we make with the rest of us or more, you know?” Seungkwan finishes. 

 

He’s emotional, Hansol knows that. Seungkwan is reasonable, Hansol knows that. Sometimes it gets irritating, but now, all he can do is crack a smile, letting a breath out he didn’t even know he was holding. 

 

“We don’t deserve you, Seungkwan.”

 

“I know.” He smirks, putting his arm around his shoulder, “Come on, Mark and Chan might get lost without us.”

  
  
  


In May, after Seokmin and Mingyu had finished taking the obligatory pictures with friends and family at graduation, they grab Hansol into a big bear hug, almost suffocating him to death. 

 

“Want to come over? Mark bet $30 that he can beat me in Mario Kart.” Seokmin grins. 

 

“I bet $20 that Mark couldn’t.” Mingyu adds.

 

“Yeah sure, put me in for $5 that Mark  _ can _ win.” Hansol laughs.

 

Seokmin loses the tassel on his graduation cap, Mingyu pops thirteen of the balloons he received before he reached home, and Hansol gains $25 all that same night.

 

As they all sit by the edge of Mingyu’s pool, looking into the water talking about the most trivial matters, Hansol feels something he never noticed before. 

 

It’s warm and comforting, whatever this exactly is.

  
  


_ July 24, 2015 _

 

_ College apps are a pain in the ass. I think Minghao, Seungkwan and I made a pact that we’re going to go to the same college as each other, that way we can avoid the roommate selection process. It’s going to be tough considering Minghao’s grades are way better than ours. Kids probably going to MIT or something.  _

 

_ He said he’d rather stay with us, though. We’re the closest friends he ever made, apparently. Seungkwan almost cried and basically is trying to raise his GPA as high as he can to make Minghao proud. I don’t know how he’s going to do that in one year. _

 

_ I’m hoping I get into a good school. I don’t particularly find myself to be in the same situation as other people; I’m not the class valedictorian like Minghao, nor am I the top athlete on the volleyball team like Mingyu, and I never received some scholarship award for science like Soonyoung.  _

 

_ I’m in the middle, not the worst, not the best. Luck is the only thing I’ve got going for me right now. _

  
  


Seungkwan, Minghao and Hansol make their way up the hill that’s right at the edge of the town, almost dying from the hour long climb it took. The summer weather has finally cooled down into a pleasant breeze at night, and the lights that illuminate the city shine brightly when they sit down to look at the view. Hansol lets out a sigh, disappointed that he didn’t bring his camera to take a picture. 

 

“Hey, quick question before we all potentially go into some emo mood-” Seungkwan starts and is met with the other two looking at him with disdain, “Look, I’ve watched enough movies in my lifetime to understand what a place like this would do to us.”

 

“Spill it before the mood becomes a fighting one.” Minghao retorts.

 

“Have you finished Park’s summer homework yet? I think I’m behind by 5 pages.”

 

“You know it was due yesterday, right?”

 

“Fuck.”

 

Seungkwan finally joins them and lays down onto the grass, staring straight up at the sky. 

 

“If I said I wanted to go out-of-state for college, what do you guys think?” 

 

“Seungkwan, I thought you said you didn’t want to be anywhere where the weather is higher than 70 degrees.” Hansol says.

 

“Yeah I know, but sometimes I just want to get out of this town, you know? Like  _ out _ out. I want to see what a big city is like or something.

 

“Hopefully if I’m somewhere new I can make more memories, right? Step out of my comfort zone and come into some self-realization or whatever people call it.”

 

“I’m sorry, weren’t you the one saying we were going to get all emotional before?” Minghao snorts.

 

“Hey! I said I watched enough movies in my lifetime! I’m bound to have the dramatic in me.” 

 

Hansol rolls his eyes, punching him in the shoulder, to which Seungkwan responds with an exaggerated cry. 

 

“You know what, go for it. I’ll tag along too.” Hansol says, and Seungkwan stops writhing in pain to look at him.

 

“Damn, how about out of the country?”

 

“You’re pushing your luck here.”

 

“Is this what having good friends is like? I just might tear up.”

 

Hansol smiles, resting his arm on Seungkwan’s shoulder. He gestures for Minghao to come closer, and he listens. 

 

“For you guys? I’d do anything.”

 

Summer is ending. Just like that. In a blink of an eye. Hansol is terrified at the thought of rejection that’s bound to happen in a couple months. But he’ll get through it, he tells himself, he always does.

**Author's Note:**

> did i project myself onto vernon, a little


End file.
